Owls and Tiger

The following in a transcript from the staff meeting at the Augusta, Ga. Hooters this afternoon shortly after Tiger Woods announced he would return to golf at The Masters Tournament held in Augusta.

Alright ladies, we have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity coming to town. As you may have heard, Tiger Woods is returning to golf at the Masters. Ever since that Thanksgiving night car crash, we've heard nothing but Tiger and his harem of women. There was something like 14 in all, well, 15 if you include his wife. However, judging by how upset she was, I don't think she was included in any of those other 14.

Anyway, he's since gone to sex addiction rehab, even though sex addiction is a debilitating addiction that controls every aspect of your life and would make it virtually impossible to achieve the kind of success he's achieved on the golf course. You can't be as devoted and dedicated to golf as Tiger was and have a sex addiction. It's more likely that he just really likes having sex with women that aren't his wife. And he'll bang anyone, apparently. It didn't seem to matter if they were hot or not. I mean, did you see that Perkins waitress? Really?!? Each one of you ladies is infinitely more attractive than that woman.

But for the past four months, all we've heard about is how Tiger slept with that Perkins waitress. Do you know what kind of exposure that gave to the Perkins chain? Every guy in America now wants to go to Perkins because he knows there's a chance he could end up getting service from the same woman who 'serviced' Tiger. Perkins' stock price has risen 74 percent since news broke that Tiger was sleeping with one of their waitresses (Editors Note: Please don't fact check that). They've also risen to the second-ranked casual dining restaurant in the country (Again, please don't fact check that.) All this because Tiger decided that sleeping with an ugly waitress was a good idea.

Now I'm not suggesting that you should sleep with Tiger Woods if you get the chance. But I am asking that you at least consider it. I mean, we're only 1.2 miles from the course. And you just know that some of Tiger's other competitors are going to ask him to join them for drinks after the round, and what better place invite him than a place where beautiful women will flirt with him as he winds down from a long day. It's the perfect place for him, and we need to be ready to give him everything he wants. And I do mean everything.

When The Masters is over, I want people talking about Hooters even more than they are about the winner. I'm not saying this because I want Tiger's wife to leave him so I'll have a shot at her, although if that happens I'm open to the possibility. No, I'm saying this because I want this Hooters to be the best in the country. You are an incredible team and together, we can make this the most famous Hooters location in the country.

And if you do end up either seducing or being seduced by Tiger, if you wouldn't mind wearing your uniform when the paparazzi get their photos, that would be much appreciated.