Sunday, March 21, 2010

When fact is fiction and TV reality

If Socrates was correct and the unexamined life is not worth living, then based on this blog, I have not taken time to examine my life. Instead I've focused on such matters of consequence as Jersey Shore, Tiger Woods' sex scandal and other matters of great societal importance. However, that could all easily be construed by a pop-psychologist as a way for me to avoid looking inward and examining my life. In an effort to alleviate that concern, I've decided to tackle the question that is surely at the heart of what it means to be a 31-year-old married man in America today - If I could go on any reality show currently airing, which one would it be and why? (What, you were expecting something less important?)

To truly examine this question, first we must set some ground rules. First, trivia-based game shows are not considered reality shows, so that means The Price is Right, Jeopardy, Who Wants to be a Millionaire and Wheel of Fortune are eliminated from contention. Second, this wouldn't necessarily be a show that I think I could win, but one that I would find the most enjoyment in participating in.

Ok, with those simple rules, let's begin.

Shows I would not want to appear on:
Survivor: It's not that I don't like the idea of traveling to exotic locales and enjoying nature, it's just that my idea of 'roughing it' means I have to watch The Daily Show on my laptop at a campsite. Eating bugs, building shelter to escape the elements and not getting a true shower for thirty-something days is not my idea of a good time.

On a slightly-related note, do the cameramen for Survivor have nice accommodations? I hope they get to stay somewhere nice and talk amongst themselves about the delicious food they get to eat just loud enough for the contestants to grow to resent them.

American Idol: I lack singing talent, and fortunately, I have friends and family members who will tell me that I suck.

Biggest Loser: Guys on that show can lose more than 125 pounds. If I did that, I'm fairly certain I'd die. However, the chance to meet Allison Sweeney might be worth it. That and I'd try to set the record for most weight gained in one week on the show. Also, I hope the cameramen for this show do the same thing I suggested for the Survivor cameramen.

The Bachelor: It's not that I don't want 25 pre-screened, desperate, beautiful women doing whatever it takes to win a show with a terrible track record for actually producing life-long relationships, it's that my wife would spend the better part of the next month finding a hit man to kill me if I was on that show. That and I would hate trying to find out which women were in it for the 'right' reasons.

The Bachelorette: 25 guys, one girl. I wasn't a math major, but I don't like my odds in that scenario. Oh, and the whole 'I'm married' thing would make this a tough one to pull off.

Any VH1 reality show: I'm not a celebrity, so I don't really have to worry about being given the opportunity, but none of those shows seem like something I'd want to do.

Intervention: I don't want to develop the serious drug, alcohol or other problem that would lead me to be on this show.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: While I think everyone would like a new house, until they start building new, extreme homes for normal people who don't do anything special for their community and don't have major obstacles in their lives to overcome, I don't think I'd qualify for the show. But if they change the criteria, sign me up.

Real World/Road Rules/Real World Road Rules Challenge/Jersey Shore: Really, any MTV show, mostly out of fear I would catch some kind of terrible disease just by breathing the same air as some of the people on those shows.

So where does that leave me? I think that essentially leaves me with the Amazing Race, which I'd pass on mostly because I've only watched it once and and I'm not overly clear on the rules, thus making it difficult to compete and win, and Big Brother.

For me, Big Brother would be the most fun because it would involve the biggest mental challenge of any reality show. You're locked in a house with 13 strangers and they are the only people you see all summer, except for CBS' Julie Chen, and you only see her on a video screen until you're voted off. The idea of playing mind games with people you've just met is intriguing. I like to think I'm an easy-going guy and could get along with most everyone, though some of the past contestants would have grated on me to the point I'd have spent every waking moment doing what I could to turn everyone in the house against them, though subtly enough so that it doesn't get traced back to me.

So now that I've examined my life, I figure it's still worth living and now I can go back to writing about more important things in life, such as why Texas requires a fiddle to be in the band if you want to play there.

1 comment:

Mike said...

Actually, I think the fact that you're not an actual celebrity makes you MORE likely to be chosen for most shows on VH1