Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Not quite Panic at the Disco

"Temple University Media Relations, this is Dianne, how can I help you?"

"Yes, I need an expert for a story I'm working on,"

"We'd be happy to help you, what paper did you say you're with?"

"Oh, sorry, yes, this is Steve Jones with the New York Times and I'm here covering the Democratic Convention."

"Of course, we have many political science professors who would be happy to speak with you...."

"No, no, that's umm, that's not what I need."

"Sorry Mr. Jones, so what was it you were needing an expert with?"

"Well, I don't know if you heard, but Bernie Sanders supporters are planning a 'fart-in' on the convention floor..."

"Mr. Jones, we're a highly respected academic institution."

"Yes, yes, I know that Dianne, and I only bring this up because my editor wants a story on the fart-in. Believe me, I'm embarrassed that I've spent my life working towards my dream of being a writer for the New York Times and now I'm covering fart-ins, but life is funny, you know."

"Ok, so how, exactly do you want me to help you?"

"Well, I need an expert in olfactory to speak with."

"A what now?"

"Someone who studies smell. I need someone to tell me how many people would have to fart at once for it to make a difference in the arena."

"And this is for the New York Times?"

*sigh* "Yes, it is. I've already tried Drexel and Penn and both of them hung up on me. Please, Dianne, I just need someone who can help."

"Help you figure out how many people need to fart at once to have the arena smell like farts?"

*heavy sigh* "Yes, that's what I need. Do you have any faculty members who could help with that?"

"Let me see what I can do. Hold please."