Tiger Beat

I've long suspected that Tiger Woods is actually a cyborg of some sort. The mechanical way he went through everything seemed to indicate that he was part machine that only had the anger/frustration emotion actually programmed (albeit with a glitch that caused him to overreact at golf matches the way Randy Johnson reacted to the New York media after signing with the Yankees.)  Everything else about him screamed 'I'm not really human.'

What I didn't realize was that there are actually two models of Tiger Woods, and today those Woods gave simultaneous 'media events' (I refuse to call it a press conference when he did no actual conferring) and managed to simulcast them to two different segments of the public. One of the Woods (let's, for simplicity sake, call him Woods1), gave a 13 minute speech in which he was apologetic, contrite, heartfelt and said everything he needed to say to earn himself back into the good graces of the American (and presumably, world) public. Woods1 took responsibility for his transgressions, pleaded for privacy for his children and family and was a new Tiger. This Tiger vowed to be a better person both on and off the course.

This broadcast went out to most of the media covering the event live. After the event, those on camera applauded Woods1 for his forthrightness and generally gave him fawning adoration (the kind of adoration I can only assume Woods gave his mistresses prior to deciding his marriage to a Swedish model was worth throwing away for a Perkins waitress.) For an hour after Woods1 spoke, there was nothing but praise for Woods1's courage to bare his soul to the public.

This is not the broadcast I got.

Instead, I got Evil Woods. Well, that's not fair, it wasn't Evil Woods so much as it was 'Contrived, Controlling, Nothing's-Actually-Changed-and-I-Can't-Believe-You're-Buying-This-Load-of-Crap-I'm-Selling-You' Woods, but that's too much to type out each time, so I'm going to go with calling this version of Cyborg Tiger 'Woods2.' 

This broadcast went out to everyone else on the planet. I'm not sure why he would do this, other than he's surpassed "I'm Keith Hernandez" status and basically wanted to give the middle finger to everyone for daring to want to question him. The speech took place in front of a blue backdrop that had to be returned to the set of Saturday Night Live as soon as it was over.

Woods2 has a pathological need to control everything, as was evidenced from the entire event. He limited the room to only people he wanted there. He limited the media to only the ones he wanted there. I'm not even sure why the media was invited since he wasn't wasn't going to take any questions. It's like inviting the kids at a fat camp to an All-You-Can-Eat buffet but telling them they can't eat anything. I'm really not even sure why he felt the need to read the statement to us, just release it on your website and go back into hiding . . . errr, rehab. I know, I know, Step 9 of rehab, making direct amends to people and all that, but did he really do that just be reading a prepared statement? It all seemed as choreographed as a Tanith Belbin Ice Dance routine.

I'd love to see the actual paper Woods2 was reading off of. I'm assuming it had stage directions in parentheses. (Cry Here) (Look Angry Here). I was shocked that he didn't actually say 'Go Hug Mom' at the end. And while Woods2 did admit he was in rehab, he never specified exactly what he was in rehab for. Was it sex addiction, drug addiction, X-Box addiction? He made sure to apologize to his business partners long before he apologized to the children in the programs his charitable foundation supports. In fact, I think he apologized to everyone possible before mentioning the kids.

Woods2 seemed to be no different than Tiger before the Thanksgiving crash (which still hasn't been fully addressed. Why was he leaving his house at 2 a.m.?). He still has to control every aspect of everything around him. His speech consisted of nothing but therapy speak and buzz words and despite having ample time to prepare, felt as scripted as a middle school performance of Shakespeare.

I will give Tiger credit for these two things. One, he didn't cheat on his wife during the media event, so that was good. And two, he didn't end his speech by saying 'Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid'.