Dog eat dog world

While a record number of Americans were busy watching the New Orleans Saints defeat the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl 44 (that's right, no Roman numerals here), Jake the Chug (half Chihuahua, half pug) was busy taking home MVP honors in Puppy Bowl 6. The following is a transcript of his postgame press conference, for those who may have missed it.

Wow, what can I say. This is a huge honor. To think that 13 weeks ago I wasn't even born, and now I'm the most valuable  puppy in the 2010 Puppy Bowl. This is an unreal feeling, right up there with biting my first human and humping my first leg. It was really just an honor to be selected to participate. There were so many other puppies that were deserving to play and just to be chosen was a huge deal. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I'd get the opportunity to run around on an astrotruf field with chew toys and other dogs and have someone film it, let alone have that footage shown on a national television station. And on Superb Owl Sunday, the day when everyone in America stops to think about animals, well that's just incredible.

(Head coach leans over and whispers something in Jake's ear)

Apparently there's no such thing as Superb Owl Sunday, and it was actually Super Bowl Sunday. Apparently that's a big deal, but really, how big can it be? They had The Who playing. Weren't they popular like 280 years ago? What's that? They had roughly 35 percent of the American public watch their game? Is that a lot? Most all time, huh? Wow, over 100 million people to watch. How'd we do? We got around eight million. So I'm not going to be famous? Well that bites.

One last thing before I take any questions. I want to thank my dad, for not humping that guys leg when he had the chance since my mom walked by two minutes later. I want to thank my mom's owners for not spraying dad with the hose like they'd done so many times before. I want to thank Animal Planet for giving us this platform to showcase our talents, as well as the entire Puppy Playing League for taking a chance on a Chug like me. Now, I'll be happy to answer any of your questions.

Sally Hull, Modern Dog: Jake, what does winning MVP in the Puppy Bowl do for your legacy?

I think it's far too early to start talking about legacies. Obviously I'd like to become the greatest of all time, but living up to the legacy of Lassie or Rin Tin Tin is something that's not even on my mind right now. Right now I'm just thinking about being adopted by a family with a big yard and a fence. Hopefully they have a kid who is around eight or nine. They younger ones are too rough and always pull your tail and the older kids don't care about you except when they want to take you for a walk to impress their lady friends. I'd love to get into commercial acting, maybe a Mighty Dog or even a fabric softener commercial with some cute babies. Or if Budweiser wants to bring back Spuds MacKenzie, I'd love a shot at being Spuds 2.0. Winning Puppy Bowl MVP obviously gives me a leg up in that I'm already well know. If that works out, maybe I can be like Eddie from Frasier and get a recurring role on a television series. I don't have any illusions of having the show focus on me, but to have a regular role would be awesome. And who knows, maybe I could be like Air Bud and star in a few movies. But I really haven't thought about my legacy a lot.

Kim Campbell Thornton, Dog World: What did you think of the halftime show for this year's Puppy Bowl?

I thought for sure it'd be the Pussycat Dolls performing, but it turns out they just had cats playing during halftime. The Pussycat Dolls would have brought some much needed excitement to halftime. I worry that we may have lost some viewers who flipped over to the Super Bowl and never returned. The chance of a wardrobe malfunction with Nicole Scherzinger would have kept pretty much everyone watching, but from what I hear, they were well beyond the budget Animal Planet had for their halftime show. I think the ad revenue generated from additional viewers would have more than offset the cost of them performing. And really, who wouldn't watch the Pussycat Dolls perform together again after breaking up last year. A reunion show would be a ratings bonanza. By the way, all you newspaper editors can now thank me for giving you a valid reason to run a picture of Scherzinger.

Tom Barthel, Natural Dog: There's been a lot of talk of performance enhancing drugs going on recently. Are you concerned that you'll be suspected of taking something to boost your performance after winning MVP?

The idea that I would take something to improve my performance is insane. I'm all natural, you can test me any time, any place. I want to say this again. I have not taken steroids, ever. I'd expect this kind of question from a magazine called Natural Dog. You've been pushing the steroid agenda for years, accusing anyone and everyone of using steroids with no evidence to back it up.

Snoop Dog, Doggie Style: Will you be in my next video?

Snoop, it'd be an honor. You've been an idol of mine since you were Snoop Doggy Dog. Anyone who sacrifices his own name to promote dogs everywhere is someone we need to support. Just promise me it's not going to be a remake of the Baha Men's Who let the Dogs Out? or there will be a revolt against you by every dog, on the planet. That song did more to set back our image than anything since the Pit Bull problems of the mid 1990s. You ask any dog around and they'll tell you that they're bigger fans of Michael Vick's than they are of the Baha Men. Don't get me wrong, Vick's a jerk and should still be in jail, but most of the dogs I've talked to believe the Baha Men should be shot on sight.

Randy Jackson, American Idol: Yo man, welcome to the Dawg Pound. I gotta say, you rocked tonight. You brought down the house. A million, billion, brazillion percent yes from me. Perfect song choice for you. You were a bit pitchy in spots, but overall, the best performance of the night. 

Ummmm, thanks. Do you even listen to yourself anymore or do you just enjoy being a caricature of yourself?

Randy Jackson: Being a caricature of myself is actually easier at this point. Did you know I was in Journey? Have I mentioned that yet?

I've got time for two more questions.

Denise Flaim, Dogs USA: The Puppy Bowl commissioner has talked of making this an international event, what are your thoughts on competing on a world stage?

I'd love the opportunity. I think I can compete against any dogs anywhere. I know there's the perception that American dogs are soft, that we're pampered with our chew toys and our doggie pillows and the fact that there are companies who will drive to my home to bathe me, pamper me and make me feel special. I know there are other countries where dogs aren't treated this will, but I don't think that would impact me in a competition. but we'd need to get the drug testing standardized and find an appropriate time in the schedule. I know the Japanese schedule is a bit different than ours, and with China and Russia having different schedules, it'd be tough to find a time to do it, but if they can find a time, I'd love to compete.

By Eve Adamson, Dog Fancy: Can you sum up in words what this means for you?

Eve, I really can't. I mean, it's like nothing else in the world. Year's from now, when people think of 2010, they'll think of me. Sure, I might be down the list after the Saints winning, after Stephen Colbert winning a Grammy, after pretty much anything else in popular culture, but eventually, in the annals of history, you'll be able to find me among the winners of this year. I'm a part of history than can never be taken away. I have to say that I'm the luckiest son of a bitch alive right now.