A Llama or an Emu?

This post was inspired by sitting in church earlier this week. The song was played during a video segment in which kids in the church discussed what they would do if they had $100. Part of me feels bad that what I got from church on Sunday was the inspiration to write this. Part of me is ok with being inspired to write this because church should be a place you go to get inspired. 

What follows is an "Expecting the Spanish Inquisition Special Investigative Report" looking at the most pressing issue of our time. 

 In 1992, the Barenaked Ladies scored a hit with "If I had $1000000" in which they discussed all the things they'd do with a million dollars. It's a fun song that wikipedia tells me was never considered a true single as it didn't even have an official music video to go along with it. Nevertheless, it remains popular, especially in Canada where it was second in the most essential Canadian tracks of all time. 

Take four minutes and listen.

 Fun, right?

But that seems like a lot of things to buy for only a million dollars. So I decided to investigate how things would work today if you tried to purchase those things listed in the song.

But before we can even get to that, we have some other things we need to figure out. First of all, the song was written in 1992. One million dollars then isn't worth the same as it is now. 

We also have to convert the $1,000,000 from Canadian dollars to American dollars. After all, the Barenaked Ladies were a Canadian band, writing, presumably for a Canadian audience. A quick Google search tells us that the exchange rate in 1992 was 0.828136, meaning our million dollars, Canadian, is actually $828,136, American.

However, that's in 1992 dollars. We need to adjust for inflation, right? Again, going with the chart I found on Google, that $828,126 would be worth $1,449,202.58 today. So, we need to figure out if all the things listed in the song can be purchased for that amount.

Ready? Let's go.


[Verse 1]
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a house
(I would buy you a house)

Ok, so we're not told how big of a house or where this house is located. According to Zillow.com, the median house price in the United States is  $201,900. Now depending on where you live, that could get you anything from a five-bedroom house with a yard and a picket fence to something much smaller. We've got nothing to go with, so for the sake of simplicity, we're going with a 3-bedroom, two bath house with a large yard and a fence. (Later in the song they reference the need for a yard, so we're going with this. We also need this to be in middle America for reasons that will become apparent later.)

Starting total: $1,449,202.58

Let's say we got this house.

House total: $201,900
Remaining:  $1,247,302.58.

But we didn't include property taxes. The average property tax bill in the United States is $2,149. Presumably once you bought the house and gave it to the person, you'd pay the taxes, at least for the first year, so we'll do that.

Taxes: $2,149
Remaining: $1,245,153.58


And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I’d buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)

According to United Kingdom home furnishing specialists Terrys Fabrics, it cost £15,215 to furnish a 3-bedroom house from scratch. Among the most expensive items purchased were a sofa and a television. Converting that figure to American dollars, it's $20,384.78, meaning we're down to $1,224,768.80. But that is for an average sofa. A Chesterfield is a high quality sofa, with it's design dating back to the Victorian age and becoming synonymous with British craftsmanship. The modern Chesterfield can be traced back to the turn of last century and popular in gentlemans clubs and military offices. Let's add in $300 to to be safe on our cost.

Furniture for the house (including a nice Chesterfield but no ottoman): $20,684.78
Remaining: $1,224,468.80

And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a K-Car
(A nice reliant automobile)

Presumably, the K-Car refers to the Chrysler K platform that ran from 1981-1995. It is credited with saving the Chrysler Corperation from certain death and, in 1984, University of Michigan business professor and auto industry historian David Lewis said no platform "in the history of the automobile industry has so dramatically allowed a company to survibe in such a substantial way. No company has been down so low, in such difficult straits, and then depended on practically a single product to bring it back."

But how are we going to get a K-Car now?  A quick check of cars.chryslerkcar.com shows 57 cars for sale with the most expensive being a 1983 Dodge Convertible for $1,900. It's only got 43,000 miles on it, so this seems like a good deal. The car is in California, so we're presumably going to need to transport it somewhere. Let's add in $500 for that, bringing the total to $2,400 for the car.

K-Car (with delivery): $2,400
Remaining:  $1,222,368.80

And if I had a million dollars, I’d buy your love
If I had a million dollars
(I’d build a tree-fort in our yard)
If I had a million dollars
(You could help it wouldn’t be that hard)
If I had a million dollars
(Maybe we could put a little tiny fridge
In there somewhere)

I'm not sure how we can calculate buying someone's love, assuming it was for sale. I'm also not sure how you would sell love. I mean, escort services provide companionship, but that's not love. Prostitution is a thing, but again, they aren't selling love. For the sake of simplicity, we're going to go with love not actually being for sale.


[Post-Chorus]
We could just go up there and hang out
(Like open the fridge and stuff
And there’d all be foods laid out for us

I have always wanted
a treehouse.

Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things
They have pre-wrapped sausages
But they don’t have pre-wrapped bacon)
Well, can you blame them?
(Yeah!)

But what we can do is buy a tree fort. (See, I told you we needed a house with a yard.) We're assuming this is for an adult. Treetopbuilders.net out of West Chester, Pennsylvania, has a handy estimator for the cost of a tree house. Because we're trying to impress the object of our affection, we want this to be a fairly nice treehouse, so we went with a "a few upgrades" on the quality of materials and a complex tree house with "bay windows, multiple rooflines." (No boring tree fort for the person we love.)  We also need this to be fairly spacious as we are going to hang out up there, so we went with 450-800 square feet and a 50-90 square foot deck. This would cost us $305,368.

We then need to add a mini-fridge and some food. Wal-Mart has a 2.6 cubic foot mini-fridge for $90 and stocking it with food, let's say is another $90. Who knew tree houses were so expensive? Moving on.

Treefort: $305,368
Refrigerator: $90
Pre-Wrapped sausages and other food: $90
Remaining: $916,820.80


[Verse 2]
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a fur a coat
(But not a real fur coat, that’s cruel)

Good for them for not buying a real fur coat. Not only is that the humane thing to do, it's cost efficient as a  real fur coat, according to Google, is anywhere from $995 for a short fur coat (which looks awful) to $22,425 for a Louis Vuitton fur coat. But a faux fur coat on refinery29.com can be had for $555. Not bad at all and we're down to $916,265.80.

Not a real fur coat: $555
Remaining: $916,265.80

And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)

Next we have to decide if we want a llama or an emu. Llamaseeker.com says that nice quality llamas are in the $2,000 to $5,000 range. Emus, meanwhile, could be had for as little as $85 if we get it as a one-week old bird.

We don't need no stinking emus.

However, there's much more to consider. Emus require about as much space as horse, though if we're being cost effective, a narrow pen about 120 feet long is recommended so we can have a much smaller yard. Llamas, meanwhile need to have a llama companion as they are herd animals so we're looking at at least two llamas. They would also require shelter from the elements and fencing. Presumably our house that we bought way back in the first verse has a large yard. But for either a llama or an emu, we're going to need a fenced in back yard.

Fencing in an acre can be done for as little as $225 if we do it ourselves, but it may not be tall enough for an emu. With that being our deciding factor, we're going to get a llama. (well, two llamas.)

So $7,000 for two llamas, another $300 for fencing, and we need a shelter for them that can be found online for $300. Add in $300 for food for two llamas for a year (that's surprisingly cheap) and our exotic pet budget is $7,900.

Llama (2): $7,000
Fencing: $300
Shelter: $300
Food: $300
 Remaining: $908,365.80


And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you John Merrick’s remains
(Ooh all them crazy elephant bones)


But for some reason, we're also buying John Merrick's remains.

Merrick's actual name was Joseph Carey Merrick and was first exhibited as the Elephant Man in 1884 in Europe after he contacted a showman about the possibility. He was robbed and abandoned by his road manager in Belgium and by the time he returned to London, he was unable to speak. He spent the remainder of his life in Royal London Hospital and his remains are on display in Royal London Hospital.

In 1987, Michael Jackson offered $1 million for Merrick's bones, but the hospital refused to sell out of respect for Merrick. As recently as last year there were calls for Merrick to be given a Christian burial, but the Royal London Hospital has, thus far, refused.

So the bad news is it appears we're not going to be able to get the bones of the Elephant Man. The good news is no one should want those anyway as it's creepy and weird. Just no.
John Merrick's Remains: Not For Sale 
Remaining:  $908,365.80

[Chorus 2]
And if I had a million dollars I’d buy your love
If I had a million dollars
(We wouldn’t have to walk to the store)
If I had a million dollars
(We’d take a Limousine ’cause it costs more)

We just got a K-Car. Why do we need a limousine now? Why did we get the car if we're just going to take the limo to the store? This seems to be a bad use of our resources.

There are many kinds of limousines, but we all know this is referring to the stretch limo. Searching for brand new limos on americanlimousinesales.com led me to a 2017 Lincoln Continental for sale for $94,995. My quick search didn't turn up what kind of fuel efficiency we would get with this and since this will appear to be our "getting around town" car for trips to the store and whatnot, we'll need to estimate the first year gasoline bill. The average American spent $1,400 on gasoline in 2016. Let's triple that to $4,200 for our limousine. So our total for that comes to $99,195.

Limousine Total: $99,195
Remaining: $809,170.80

 If I had a million dollars
(We wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner)

[Post-Chorus]
But we would eat Kraft dinner
(Of course we would, we’d just eat more)
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
(That’s right, all the fanciest - Dijon ketchups)

What we in the United States know as Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, Canadians call Kraft dinner. They're delicious, though I'm not sure you want to subsist on them as your main diet. Nevertheless, the singers say we're going to eat more, so let's say they eat 18 Kraft Dinners a month. On Amazon.com, you can get an 18-pack for $28.97. We'd need 12 of those for the year, which would total $347.64.

Now the bad news. There is no commercially available dijon ketchup. I know, right?  In fact, such a product does not exist. I don't know how to bridge this gap. We can find fancy ketchup, which is an actual designation by the United States Department of Agriculture that "producers are allowed to use for marketing if their product meets the standards of US Grade A/US Fancy tomato ketchup, which possesses a better color, consistency and flavor, and has fewer specks and particles and less separation of the liquid/solid contents than US Grade B/US Extra Standard Ketchup and US Grade C/US Standard Ketchup."

Wait, grading ketchup? What goes in to that, you ask? Well, testers look for lack of tomato skin and seeds in the product, a smooth texture and other things. You can find a complete explanation of what goes into to ketchup grading here.

So no dijon ketchup, but we can get expensive ketchup. You can get two-pack of Whatburger fancy ketchup for $15.85 from Amazon.com. Better get four, total, just to be safe.

Kraft Dinners: $347.64
Expensive Ketchup: 31.70
Amazon Prime Membership (to save on shipping): $99
Remaining: $808,692.46


[Verse 3]
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that’s cruel)

We need a green dress, but not a real green dress because that's cruel. I'm going to assume that means we're buying a dress, but not a green one. What kind? We don't know. For what occasion? Again, no idea. What season? It could be anything.

My research lead me to discover that there is a Fancy Dress Party in England. This party was formed  in 1979 as a "frivolous alternative to mainstream electoral parties," according to Wikipedia, and as of 2010, the party was on the official register of political parties.

But we're not here for British political parties, we're here for a not green dress. Nordstrom has what seems to be a nice dress for $158 and since I don't know what we're looking for, I think we'll go with this.

A green dress (but not a real green dress): $158
Remaining: $808,534.46

 And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you some art
(A Picasso or a Garfunkel)

Next we need some art, either a Picasso or a Garfunkel. I actually enjoy the Art Garfunkel joke there, but we need to get a Picasso. Our Amazon Prime membership comes with Amazon music, so we can stream all the Art Garfunkel songs we want.

 In 2015, Picasso's Women of Algiers sold for $179 Million at Chrstie's Auction House in New York. That exceeds our budget by approximately $178 million, so we're going to have to pass on that one. But that doesn't mean we're out of luck.

The website artbrokerage.com appears to have several Picasso sketches for sale. Rather than going for a painting, there appears to be two small sculptures that would make great bookends and good conversation pieces for $6,000.

I should mention that I am in no way an art historian and would have no way to know if these are forgeries or not. So we're going to with them  and hope we weren't ripped off.

A Picasso or a Garfunkel: $6,000
Remaining:  $802,534.46
 
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I’d buy you a monkey
(Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?)

And finally, a monkey. I choose to believe this verse was the inspiration for the creators of Friends to give Ross a monkey as a way to make him the least bit interesting. Be honest with yourselves, if Ross wasn't on Friends, the show would have been so much better. Sure, we miss the whole "Ross and Rachel" thing, but that was always the least interesting part of the show. When they reboot Friends in 10 years, I hope they kill off that character in the first episode.

 Nineteen states have banned pet monkeys, so hopefully we didn't buy our house in California, Colorado, Connecticut, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Hampshire, New Jersy, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Utah, Vermont and Wyoming. I told you we needed a house in middle America. I'm assuming we're living in one of the other 31 state that doesn't prohibit monkey ownership.

Next, we have to decide what would be the best monkey to get. The most common are Capuchins, Guenons, Macaques, Marmosets, Squirrels, Spider Monkeys and Tamarins.  All of them live 25-40 years and will require you to change their diaper if they're living inside.

TheSpruce.com said "(Monkeys) are expensive, dangerous, live a long time, require a huge amount of your daily time, need a lot of space, and are not cuddly." Other than that, they make great pets, I'm sure.

But we're getting a monkey (to go along with our llamas. I think I know where the people behind "We Bought a Zoo" got their idea.). I'm going with Spider Monkey because the name seems cool.

According to Costhelper.com, Monkeys cost between $4,000 and $8,000. As we've done in the past, we'll go right in the middle and get a $6,000 monkey. We're going to need a cage (let's do outdoor cage, we didn't get the big yard for nothing) so that's $3,500 (we're going top of the line on this, safety first.) We'll need a nesting box with branches, blankets and toys, for $200.

Fruit and vegetables for a monkey is about $100 a month, so we can add $1,200 to our total. Add in another $60 for a year's supply of monkey chow. Apparently most primate owners choose to diaper their pets, so that's $260, plus the indignity of changing a monkey diaper for 30 years and who can put a price on that?

 We'll also need to include veterinarian care, though to be honest, I have no idea how to figure out how much it costs to take a monkey to the vet or even how you would go about finding a vet who can treat a monkey. I'm just going to say $1,000.

Monkey: $6,000
Cage: $3,500
Food: $1,260
Diapers: $260
Veterinarian: $1,000
Total Monkey Costs: $12,020
Remaining:  $790,514.46



[Chorus 3]
If I had a million dollars, I’d buy your love
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
If I had a million dollars
I'd be rich

So at the end of all that,  we've still got nearly $800,000 remaining. Between maintenance on the limousine, the Dodge convertible, annual taxes and upkeep on the house, what I assume to be high homeowner's insurance since we have a monkey and llamas and other costs, I'm not sure our remaining cash will be there long.

But my biggest question in all this is would it actually work. I mean, buying a house and a car and a limousine seems like it's coming on a bit strong. Maybe start with some flowers and dinner at a jazz club or something a little less "I'm ready to make a lifetime commitment and to prove it, here's a house that comes with two llamas and a monkey."

Anyway, good luck dude. and if it doesn't work out with this girl, you still have enough left over to try one more time. 

If you've read all this, you might as well follow me on Twitter as you've shown you have no regard for using your time wisely. Also, thanks for reading.