Wednesday, December 4, 2013

War on Christmas Over! Christmas Opponents Surrender

This is what I imagine the instrument of surrender will look like once the War on Christmas finally ends.

We, acting by command of and in behalf of the Opponents of Christmas, hereby accept the provisions set forth in the Festivus Declaration issued by the heads of the Governments of the North Pole, Fox News, the Republican Party of the United States and Fundamentalist Christians everywhere, on 4 December 2017 at Santa Claus, Georgia, and subsequently adhered to by the Snowmen Guild of the Word, which five powers are hereafter referred to as the Christmasers.

We hereby proclaim the unconditional surrender to the Christmasers of the Christmas Opponents General Headquarters and of all Christmas Opponent Forces and all Forces under Hanukkah control wherever situated.

We hereby command all War on Christmas forces wherever situated and Christmas Opponents people to cease hostilities forthwith, to preserve and save from damage all shopping malls, school musicals, greeting cards sent in December and displays of Santa, Rudolph, Jesus, Frosty and other Christmas icons, and to comply with all requirements which may be imposed by Bill O’Reilly, the Supreme Commander for the Christmasers, or by agencies of the Corporations destined to reach profitability during this shopping season.

We hereby command the Christmas Opponents Headquarters to issue at once orders to the commanders of all Christmas Opponent forces and all forces under their control wherever situated to surrender unconditionally themselves and all forces under their control.

We hereby command all commercial, volunteer, and officials of different faiths to obey and enforce all proclamations, orders, and directives deemed by the Supreme Commander for the Christmasers to be proper to effectuate this surrender and issued by him or under his authority; and we direct all such officials to remain at their posts and to continue to perform their non-Christmas duties unless specifically relieved by him or under his authority.

We hereby undertake for the Christmas Opponents, the non-Christians among us, and their successors to carry out the provisions of the Festivus Declaration in good faith, and to issue whatever orders and take whatever action may be required by the Supreme Commander for the Christmasers Powers or by any other designated representative of the Christmasers for the purpose of giving effect to that declaration. The idea that others may want to celebrate something different during this time is of no consequence.

We hereby command the Christmas Opponents and the Christmas Opponent Headquarters at once to liberate all Christmaser Prisoners of War and civilian internees now under Christmas Opponents control and to provide for their protection, care, maintenance, and immediate transportation to places as directed, such as Wal-Mart, Target or shopping center and to direct any internet connected device to for the purchase of gifts to commemorate the birth of their savior. Why these two events are linked is unknown but this is what the war was fought over, so let’s just go with it.

The authority of the Emperor and the Christmas Opponents to be in public shall be subject to the Supreme Commander for the Christmasers, who will take such steps as he deems proper to effectuate these terms of surrender.

Signed at Santa Claus, Georgia at 12:12 on December 4, 2017

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