Tuesday, April 26, 2011

There's No Crying In Baseball

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Song 23: Don’t Cry
Artist: Guns ‘N Roses

If you ask The Wife, I don’t have any emotions, or thoughts, or mechanical knowledge, or a strong stomach, or a desire to learn to cook or any number of things that would make me a useful member of society. Rather than focusing on all of those at this time, we’ll just focus on my lack of emotions. Because I tend to only shed tears when networks set sports season retrospectives to music or when The Wife punches me in the face while we’re both asleep, I’ve got the reputation for not having emotions. Well, that and during one of the songs at our wedding I asked my new bride how she thought my fantasy baseball team was doing rather than something more appropriate, like how the Cubs were doing that day.

Longtime readers are now likely expecting a lengthy list of humorous items that I claim have made me cry in the past. But not today. Mostly because I just finished a listing post, and they’re harder to write than you would think (or maybe not, I don’t know how hard you think those are to write), but also because I’m lazy and want something easy to write.

I want the ability to cry on demand. There, I said it. Women seem to possess this ability and can use it whenever they want pretty much get whatever they want. Granted, women also have boobs and those also tend to enable women to get what they want as well, but I’m ok not having boobs. But crying on demand, that seems like an incredibly valuable skill to possess. To be able to emotionally manipulate people around you to letting you have your way seems nice.

But as with any great power, it comes with great responsibility. Those who possess this power run the risk of overusing it, thus rendering those around them immune to the perceived anguish. Cry once because you’re truly upset that he got you chocolates instead of flowers and should have known you were on a diet and buying her candy was on par with running over her childhood pet and you’ll get both flowers and chocolate. Do it every time and you’ll be lucky you don’t get the orange and black candy from Halloween that everyone hates and ragweed on the next important day.

I imagine if I could cry on demand, I would overuse it. I’d turn on the faucet each time I didn’t get to watch what I wanted on television or whenever I had to go to one of The Wife’s work functions that conflicted with me doing pretty much anything else. I’d also use it when I didn’t want to take the dog out or when I didn’t feel like getting up to refill my glass with a tasty beverage.

So it’s probably for the best I can’t cry on cue. I mean, I don’t think other professional teams would care if I was crying each time the Cubs lost in an effort to make them feel sorry for me and let the Cubs win the next day. Besides, I’ll just cry the Cubs have their season retrospective, which sadly is scheduled for the last day of the regular season every year.

Next Song: Leaving
Artist: Hootie and the Blowfish

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