Friday, January 22, 2010

At the Jersey Shore, you go from having a good time to winding up in jail just like that

It's not often that a show changes television and captures a nation. Sure, American Idol still gets 30 million viewers, 24 is still stretching the bounds of rational thought and Jay Leno is uniting America against him. But those shows have nothing on the best show MTV has debuted since Total Request Live (granted, the bar was very low), Jersey Shore. From advertisers pulling out to castmates ending up in jail to criticisms from Italian-American groups denouncing the show, it had everything someone could want in a guilty pleasure tv show. Add in the fact that I'm not sure the cast realizes we were laughing at them, not with them, and it was a perfect storm.

To commemorate the finale, I'm breaking out something I stole from ESPN's Bill Simmons, the running diary.

10 p.m. - In the eight our leading up to this, MTV replayed the entire season of Jersey Shore, for those who were late jumping on the bandwagon. Based on the few facebook posts I saw yesterday, there were a few people who avoided the show all season, only to be sucked in at the end. To those people, all I can say is 'we're glad you made it for this culture-altering event. I hope you threw up some fist pumps during the day to pump yourself up for this.

10:02 - As we saw in the end of the last episode, Ronnie is arrested after knocking a guy out who was talking smack at him (one shot bro, one shot). Not surprisingly, some of the housemates are asking why Ronnie's in the police car, as though chasing down a guy and rendering him unconscious should be rewarded, rather than arrested.

Back at the house, Snooki asks if they should call 911 to find out about Ronnie. I imagine the call would have gone like this:

911 - '911 what's your emergency'
Snooki - 'Yeah, my friend Ronnie was arrested, I'm trying to find out where he is'
911 - 'You're on MTV's Jersey Shore, aren't you?'
Snooki - 'Yeah, how did you know, and where's Ronnie?'
911 - 'You do realize we're not the police department, right?'
Snooki - 'Yeah, but you know where Ronnie is, don't you?'
911 - 'I'm afraid we can't help you' (hangs up) Good God she is dumb. Where does MTV find these people.

10:03 - Meanwhile, Ronnie spends the night in jail. Who would have thought a juiced up guido would end up in a fight that lands him in jail? I'd have figured a nice guy like him would be at the library researching Shakespeare. (and by night, it was really just three hours.)

10:05 - Apparently trouble finds you in Seaside Heights, according to Ronnie. And by 'finds you' he means you go running away from your friends who are walking home and go chasing after some guy to knock him out, he's factually correct.

Have I mentioned how awesome the duck phone is? If I still had a land line, I'd want that more than a shoe phone or a football phone.

10:07 - Watching these commercials makes me realize I'm not the target demographic for this show.

10:10 - Duck phone keeps ringing, but no one answers for a while, eventually Sammi answers when she realizes Ronnie might be calling. Let's see, your summer love is in jail, your phone's ringing early in the morning after he was arrested. Wo would imagine it'd be Ronnie looking for a ride home?

10:10 - Ronnie says jail is a place he never wants to be again. I get the feeling that's not going to happen.

'At the Jersey Shore, you go from having a good time to winding up in jail just like that.' - The Situation
I expect to see that on Seaside Heights marketing material any day now.

Ronnie then opines that he doesn't regret hitting the guy, instead saying 'I regret that I got caught,' spoken like a guy who won't end up in jail again.

10:13 - The Situation can't get a girl to answer the phone while he's trying to get a girl to go out with him.I, for one, am shocked no one would answer a call from a guy how nicknamed his abs.

10:14 - Snooki doesn't have a date, which is apparently terrible news. She also can't bring herself to ask the guy she was hanging out with in earlier episodes out. Instead she and JWoww decide go out.

10:16 - Commercial for Hot Tub Time Machine? How much pot was smoked in the creation of that idea?

10:17 - JWoww on the boardwalk. 'It's Gorilla Central. It's juicehead central right now, I'm in heaven.' If that's Heaven, I don't want to go anymore. (Apparently JWoww is unaware of some of the side effects of steroids. However, good news guys, JWoww has low expectations for mens' manhood.) Snooki is disappointed there aren't juiceheads when she meets up with JWoww.

10:19 - The group finally decides they should go to the beach together. They spent a month at the beach and haven't gone as a group? WTF mate?

10:20 - The Situation starts creeping on the first girls he sees. 'I'm going to do what I do best, that's pimp it.' This, ladies and gentleman, is the voice of this generation.

10:21 - 27 year old mike ends up hitting on an 18-year old.I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

Dateless Snooki is desperate. (Despite calling a guy and asking him out, Snooki doesn't chase guys)

10:23 - Snooki, after turning down guys' invitations to join them on a balcony starts her own party by dancing on the boardwalk. (Yes, this is as bad as it sounds.) She claims she should have put her hat down for people to throw money into because she had a big crowd watching her. At best, she had four people watching at once. Then again, she, too, wants a juiced up guy, so maybe four is a lot to her.

10:24 - Snooki's exboyfriend, who she is still in love with, is on the balcony watching snooki dance. Apparently running in to her ex is 'not cool, not cool, not cool, not cool.'

10:28 - Snooki appears not over her exboyfriend and is now crying while holding the duck phone - still upset about being dateless. Seeing a woman upset about running into her ex, crying about not being able to find a date and holding a duck phone is really something everyone needs to see at least once in their lives.

10:29  - It's Bro's night, minus Ronnie, of course. The guys go to a place described by Vinny as 'a chucky cheese for dudes.' Again, I hope that appears in marketing material for that place soon.

10:31 - Meanwhile, Sammi and Ronnie go on an actual date where Sammi says Ronnie has a lot to offer. what that is, exactly, no one has been able to pinpoint, unless you like short-tempered, juiced up, shallow, violent guys who keep track of your mistakes and threatened to leave you after your third strike (and not the violent crime kind, but the 'I'm upset you called my big toe ugly' kind). Actually, after writing that out, I can see what Ronnie has to offer now.

The couple toasts to 'us past the Jersey Shore,' which judging by the previews of the reunion show, doesn't work out so well. (Note, as of this writing, I haven't watched the reunion show yet.)

10:32 - Snooki  is on the balcony crying, really upset about this dateless thing. The Situation is giving dating advice, which is like taking parenting advice from a six-year old.

10:33 -Snooki  'when it comes down to it, we really love each other,' which, according to the previews, she'll put into action with The Situation later that night.

10:36 - Vinny gets stuffed bulldog, puts t-shirt with 'the situations #1 girl' to signify how attractive all the girls Mike brings home. This is in response to The Situation putting 'haterade' under Vinny's bed (haterade was a concoction of whatever The Situation could find in the refrigerator. It did not have a pleasing aroma. 

10:37 - The Situation says Vinny's joke didn't bother him, and if you're playing a joke on him, it means he's on your mind. Some psychology student is going to do a dissertation on The Situation and his extreme self-confidence and insecurity and how they manifest themselves in him. I look forward to reading it.

10:39 - The Situation and Snooki hook up in the hot tub. Before things go further, he makes up an excuse to get out of the jacuzzi. Afterwards, he says he thought about getting with Snooki, but she's like his litter sister, which seems like and odd thing to say after you just finished making out with her.

10:44 - At their last supper Snooki likes the shrivled up ones . . . relax, she's talking about hot dogs (I think.)

10:46 - Vinny in a hooded sweatshirt. I don't want to live in a place where you have to wear that in Septermber.

As an aside, there's not enough fist pumping in this episode.

"One minute you got three girls in the jacuzzi, the next someone's in jail, that's the jersey shore." -The Situation offering another marketing campaign for the region.

10:53 - Everyone starts packing to leave the shore.

The Situation says he 'ran the house the summer, whether you like it or not.' I'm not sure he knows what 'running this house' means.

10:55 - After The Situation leaves, Ronnie out next, surely on his way to his court date.

10:57 - JWoww and her extra W leave next, saying '20-30 years from now, I'll remember everything.' I'm not sure she remembers last night.

Pauly D quote 'Girls after girls after girls. That the ideal summer for everyone,' except the girls.

10:59 - Snooki is last to leave. "The snooks is out," thus ending a magical television experience.

1 comment:

josh said...

I'm one of those who managed to avoid this tv show like normal people avoid one of the std's I'm sure was passed around during it's taping.

These are their names?!? Not Vinny and Ronnie... I get that. But everybody else? Oh geez.

When I was reading this, I got to the 10:28, 10:29 comments and then noticed 10:31 and had to scroll a little to check. I nearly said out loud, "Oh, you're kidding, this things lasts an hour?"

You're a sick man, Luke. Thanks for sharing your symptoms.