The rise of the sports nation

If you’re reading this, please send help.

I’ve been hiding for years, besieged on all sides, trying to hold out against attackers who want nothing more than to force me to assimilate into their culture while abandoning all pretense of my current life.

At best you would call me a conscientious objector. At worst, you’d call me a traitor.*You see, My alma mater has insisted on branding itself “Eagle Nation” and has basically declared that anyone who attended classes, graduated, watched a sporting event or knows someone who has heard of the university a part of the nation.

*Should I ever run for public office, please correct anyone who uses that phrase out of context.

But I’m holding out. I don’t want to be a part of Eagle Nation, or, for that matter, any organization that would have me as a member. I want to be an alumnus of the school and a fan of their athletic teams without having to buy in to some crappy marketing scheme.

As best as I can remember, this whole “nation” thing started with the Boston Red Sox and has spread to any team that has more than three fans who are more than five feet apart. I don’t want to be in Eagle Nation. I want to pay you money for tickets to go the games and then be left alone. I haven’t declared my intentions to join your nation-state and don’t appreciate trying to be forcibly annexed in.

We all know that “Eagle Nation” is just a blatant marketing ploy to try to build up a connection with the school so you can not feel so bad about asking for money. I get the feeling we’re only a few steps away from changing the terminology from “donations” to “taxes” so people can look down on those who take advantage of attending sporting events that don’t charge admission instead of revenue-generating sports. “Why won’t you pay your taxes to support the Eagle Nation?” When it stops being effective, they’ll move on to something else.  

Instead of worrying about me, Eagle Nation needs to go try and conquer Mountaineer Nation with its headquarters in Boone, NC to make Appalachian State a satellite campus of Georgia Southern.  

So I will remain here with attackers on all sides holding out. Please send help as soon as possible.