Lost in space

Song 22: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Artist: U2

I was picking up dog poop
while my wife was here.

Ok, so I’ve been gone for a long while. Judging from the amount of phone calls, texts, tweets and facebook messages I’ve received on the issue, I can tell that you haven’t missed me. Or maybe you’ve just been as busy as I’ve been. I don’t want to make excuses, but I will. Long story short, my wife has been working, a lot. And when she hasn’t been working, she’s been in New Orleans where she was partying, a lot. All this left me to tend for a two-and-a-half year old completely on my own for essentially two weeks.

If I had an actual job in which I interacted with adults, this might not be such a big deal, but I don’t, so the overwhelming majority of my human interactions are with someone who still poops his pants and needs me to tend to practically his every need. While not physically demanding (though they do put the lids on Play-doh a little tighter than I feel is necessary), it is mentally exhausting to feign excitement over finding “super letters” or one of “Blue’s Clues” for hours on end. Because of that, I didn’t have the ability to be humorous while The Wife was gone.

“But Luke,” you say, “You weren’t funny when The Wife was around.” Ok, two things. First off, when did you start calling her “The Wife?” I just started that. And secondly, that’s a fair point. But nevertheless, I’m going to try again. Starting with this blog. Or the next one, we’ll see how this goes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. That is just one of the many things I've been seeking over the years that I've yet to finally locate. Among them:

Someone who actually remembers the last time the Cubs won the World Series.

Anyone roughly my age who didn't enjoy Nickelodeon's Hey Dude.

A way to ensure it doesn't rain when I have outdoor plans.

Any legitimate reason why New York Yankee games are broadcast on Wilmington, North Carolina's local ESPN Radio affiliate.

A reason to watch American Idol now that Simon left.

My "Man Card" after admitting I watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.

A way for any of my fantasy teams to win a fantasy title.

The time to read, listen to and watch all the different types of media I'm interested in.

Any wardrobe that wouldn't be immediately improved by wearing a clock on a long chain a la Flavor Flav.

College football in Wilmington, NC.

Anyone, anywhere who doesn't enjoy at least portions of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

An easy way to remove the random program that The Wife downloaded onto our computer.

ESPN's Bill Simmons to answer one of my questions in his legendary chats.

Some way to hold on to my dwindling sanity.

Any enjoyment whatsoever from the NBA.

Corrolary: Anyone who has admitted to watching a WNBA game on purpose.

Ocean weather in 2011 (though that will be here shortly).

Approval from The Wife for teaching my kid to say "Peace Out" when he's leaving.

Time to watch all the shows I want to watch, read all the books I want to read, listen to all the podcasts I want to listen to, and interact with all the people I want to interact with.

Message received,
Ms. Hathaway's attorney.

Fantasy Update: Not counting the letter from her attorney's demanding I stop contacting her, I still haven't heard back from Anne Hathaway regarding a date I've asked her on. In other fantasy news, my baseball teams are fair to middling as the season gets underway. It's still to early to tell if I am going to horribly suck or just suck regularly. 

Next Song: Don’t Cry

Artist: Guns ‘N Roses